Friday Five: Actresses Who Should Be Mama Bartowski

Earlier this week I fell down a bloggy rabbit hole and landed at a blog for a woman who has adorable twin boys. I read a few entries and realized that this “woman/twins mommy” was in fact Heather from Go Fug Yourself, a snarky fashion site I’ve been a fan of since early 2005. “How delightful,” I thought. “Now I can get her insight on things other than fashion.” As I continued to read, I noticed references to “Kevin”, a mysterious entity I later identified as her husband. Read a few more entries and there’s a photo of the twins wearing wee matching Captain Awesome sweatshirts. “Aw, they must be Chuck fans.” Then, after an embarrassingly long time, the pieces fell into place, I smacked my forehead and sent an email to Heather at GFY HQ (I can do that, we’re totally BFFs now) asking if her Kevin was in fact this Kevin.

He is.

A few witty emails – most of the wit coming from Heather – later, and she’d agreed to be our guest writer for this week’s Friday Five. As she notes, she gets zero spoilers, so this list is all in fun. And that’s the story of how we landed a Friday Five from one of the most consistently funny women I know. Without further ado, I give you Heather:

Being married to a Chuck editor hasn’t come with any of the obvious perks: I don’t have a shirt that says “Wienerlicious” or “Jeffster”; Adam Baldwin doesn’t show up at our door with five-dollar foot-longs, Diet Coke, and a growl; and above all, I don’t get spoilers. My husband Kevin is a vault. So I’m as curious and in-the-dark as anyone else when it comes to the motives of Chuck and Ellie’s mother, Mama Bartowski, and whose face she’ll be wearing when she steps out from the shadows. Fans are clamoring for Lynda Carter in the role, but in the event her famous baby blues are deemed too genetically inappropriate (and of course the ubiquitous Betty White is booked), I have a few suggestions of my own:

1. Rene Russo. Anyone who’s seen Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair knows she can wear leather as well as Sarah Walker herself. Like, she could give John Casey night sweats. Plus she’s smart, sarcastic, sexy, and let’s face it, don’t you kind of miss her? Where did she go? When Thor comes out in 2011, it’ll be her first job since 2005, and she might be in demand again — so swoop now, NBC. You might even get her on sale.
2. Sela Ward. Because nobody doesn’t love Sela Ward, and yet, her last gig was in the woeful Stepfather remake starring Penn Badgley. Chuck would be like sorbet for her career palate. Ward’s gentle beauty is usually associated with heart-of-gold roles, making her a perfectly unexpected choice if Mama Bartowski takes an evil swerve. She’s also quite the tearjerker at times, and since I’m already emotional imagining Chuck’s face when he finds out his mother is alive… well. Buy stock in Kleenex.
3. Geena Davis. She’s another former bold-face name who isn’t doing much these days, but her last foray into TV won her a Golden Globe (it wasn’t her fault that Commander In Chief fell into managerial disarray). She can do comedy — that acceptance speech was memorably snarky — and most importantly, she’d provide the writers a chance to bust out many a Beetlejuice joke. And that Alec Baldwin connection would pave the way for my dream Chuck-30 Rock crossover, in which Morgan romances Liz Lemon, Jenna joins Jeffster, Jack Donaghey shows General Beckman the cut of his jib, Team Bartowski takes Kenneth on a mission to stop terrorists from infiltrating The Girlie Show, and Captain Awesome spends twenty minutes in the company of Tracy Jordan (no further writing required).
4. Jamie Lee Curtis. I love her, and also, someone has GOT to stop her from sitting around eating Activia all day. Nobody’s pipes need that much Drano.
5. Joan Collins. Yes, she’s totally age-inappropriate, but she’s also JOAN F’ING COLLINS. There is nothing she can’t do. People the world over would tune in to see John Casey go sneer-to-sneer with Alexis Carrington Colby, Etc. (not to be confused with Underpants, Etc.). Seriously, Chuck’s learned to be a spy; now it’s time he learned to eat caviar and champagne for breakfast and his rivals for lunch.