Review: Chuck versus the Cubic Z

“I wouldn’t call that lining silver so much as copper, or zinc, or manganese.”

Sometimes, you want a delicate French wine with floral hints and a robust finish—you can drink in on a romantic spyventure to Monaco with your superhot sweetie. Instead, life hands you lemons (Nicole Richie and Stone Cold Steven Austin). Do you get all puckery and upset, or learn to deal with Splenda-flavored lemonade? Have you lost my metaphor? What I’m really asking is: can Chuck and Sarah deal with possibly wanting slightly different things? Can they deal with compromise, and the difficult realities of a functioning, realistic relationship?

Morgan highlighted the perils of answering the will-they-or-won’t-they question: Where’s the hand-wringing? Chuck attempts to answer the question by inserting new hand-wringing into the Sarah-and-Chuck equation. To wit: Sarah might not be cut out for an adult relationship, and Chuck might not have the adult patience to wait for her to be ready. It’s slightly less compelling than previous seasons’ romantic entanglements, but it’s still interesting, and I’m curious to see how the accidental proposal has some very unintentional effects in next week’s episode.

But in the meantime, I should probably say something about the stunt casting. At times, it’s hilarious: I really enjoyed Bronson Pinchot’s two-second cameo in the premiere. Other times, it’s a bit irksome. I appreciate a dollop of Steven Austin as much as the next 20-something female feline aficionado. (That is, I’m a woman and I like cats. I don’t much care if the cats are male or female.) But I’m not sure Nicole Richie adds much…of anything. Many of her lines had great potential, but they required a bit more punch in the delivery. Even the thrill of watching Nicole Richie throw actual punches faded by the end of “Chuck versus the Cougars.” And that was two years ago.

From the stunt casting to the pre-fabricated ingredients (duct chase, riot, retinal scan), this episode felt like the writers were desperately trying to bring more energy to a script that really wasn’t working. When my favorite part is the use of a cool song (four times!), I know something’s not hitting the mark. Then again, there were some strong moments. The accidental proposal. Casey learning to emote, awkwardly. Jeff’s and Lester’s poetry-slam-kung-fu. The return of Big Mike and his disco stick of death. Did I mention the poetry slam?

In that sense, I’m just like Chuck. I wanted this to be an episode of a lifetime, with Monaco and that pricey wine. Instead, I got the some lemons, which included some emotional exposition by Nicole Richie. But I can like lemonade, too.

Bytes:

• Morgan: “I’m De Niro serious.”

Chuck: “You’re beyond De Niro. This is Russell Crowe serious.”

• Big Mike: “I love to see you in that suit. I wouldn’t want anyone else to wear it.” I love the implication that it’s the same suit that shrinks or grows to fit the wearer, like the “traveling pants” of that sisterhood I’ve heard so much about from the tweens I know.

• Sarah: “How ‘bout tough cop, silent cop?”

Chuck: “Okay-dokey. Which one am I?”

• Chuck: “You know, I was thinking about how some of my favorite movies wound up in air ducts. Aliens, Die Hard—although generally speaking, it doesn’t end up well for the duct crawlers.”

• Lester: “They want me to read you this trash. But you deserve better. We as a people deserve better. So, brace yourselves for a free-form, no-holds-barred poetry slam.”

And Pieces:

• The new Greta is very pretty. Watching Steven Austin stone-cold-cock her was fun, too.

• Morgan’s mother’s name is Bologna Garcia Bougainvillea Grimes?

• Poor, injured Casey. Are we not going to see him next week? I’ll miss him.

2.75 out of four full half-caret pear-cut cubic zirconiums. Zirconia. Stupid Latin.

(By the way, you might be wondering who I am. I’m Josie Kafka, and I review Chuck, Fringe, and The Vampire Diaries for billiedoux.com. And now, thanks to the goodwill of the chucktv masterminds, I’m recapping Chuck here, too!)